Life With Marek

Part of me feels as though the first two weeks of Marek's life have gone by so fast, but at the same time I can't seem to remember living without him. It sort of feels as though life before him was a dream. On October 6th, 2012, God blessed me with what I imagine was a fairly easy labour and delivery. Don't get me wrong, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I was able to labour almost entirely at home so when I finally got to the hospital 15 hours after the first contraction I was only there for about 4 hours before Adam caught and held our baby for the first time and (after having his cord unwrapped THREE times) he was placed on my chest for his first mommy snuggles. Since that moment he has been thriving. God answered all three of my biggest prayers in regards to the beginning of my baby's life. The first was that he would be healthy and safe, the second was that I would be able to deliver him naturally without induction or the use of an epidural and the third was that he would nurse well. Now, at just over two weeks old he has gained almost a pound on his birth weight and even our midwives say they have never seem a baby that is doing as well as he at his age. 

I have to say that in spite of the sleep deprivation and adjusting to having another person in our lives who is completely dependent on us we are loving every second with our baby. As far as babies go he is an angel and his funny faces and tiny noises are cause for continuous giggles from both of us. I cannot count how many times Adam and I have looked at each other and exclaimed "He is just so cute! How can anything be this adorable!" and no matter how many times I look at him it strikes me again just the same.  Listening to Adam changing diapers is also pretty hilarious. Because Marek is not a fan of diaper changes Adam's coping mechanism is to keep up a constant stream of dialogue that ranges from his and Marek's shared distress over the NHL lockout (he knows they share it because of the crying) to a detailed explanation of the diaper changing procedure as I am sure he believes a thorough understanding of the steps will help his baby cope with the unpleasantness of cold wipes on a warm bottom. Whether or not this is true it makes me smile to myself every time.

It amazes me how many things you can learn from such a tiny person in such a short amount of time. Patience, bathing techniques, hasty communication, and how to function on no sleep to name a few! All three of our lives changed drastically since the moment Marek came into the world and even though this journey hasn't been easy it has been so worth every ache, every pain, and every meltdown. We are so excited for all this little man will bring into our lives and the lives of those around him. He his such a blessing and we can't wait to get to know him better. While I am trying to soak up every second of his time as my little baby, I am also eager for the days when he can share his own ideas and thoughts with us and we can learn more about his heart and soul. 

When I look at my son its hard not to see the profound and breathtaking grace of God. As I watch him screw up his tiny little face or hold his perfectly formed hand I can't help but wonder why he was given to us to care for. After all of our mistakes and failures, after everything we have done to dishonour God, somehow he saw fit to, in return, honour us with the most precious gift. There is no getting around the fact that we, in no way, deserve this little boy that has been entrusted to us and yet here we are. So now it is my goal to try to live a life worthy of his. To try to be the example that I should be and to endeavor to become a person that he can be proud of and that God would want me to be for him. 

To sum it all up, I am one very blessed mama :)

Concentrated Blogging!

So its been quite a while... The unfortunate thing about having so many wonderful things to blog about  is that I have had almost no time to actually blog. So now its time for some major catch up! Here's whats been happening over the past month or so!

On September 8th Adam and I got married!

            

On September 8th Adam and I moved into our new place!

Some of our wonderful wedding flowers with our perfect little willow tree figure :) 

Baby station! 

Photo wall restarted!

On September 24th We launched our crowd-funding campaign to send Adam's board game, HoneyQuest, to the Vancouver Gaming Expo!

On September 26th we had our Engagement/Wedding/Maternity photos done by the lovely Kirsten Lee!

On September 30th Our baby's due date came.. And went.

AND on October 6th our beautiful baby boy Marek Micheal Bruce Lapka was born at 8:29pm weighing 8lbs 11oz!

So thats pretty much it... :p
Now that I have covered all that I hope to resume regular blogging soon!

The Proposal

I'M ENGAGED!!! Guess he liked it so he put a ring on it! Hehe.. Anyway, I thought that as it was a rather momentous occasion in my life the event deserved its own blog post! So here is the story of how I hooked myself a man (minus the baby).

I woke up the morning of August 18th in a pretty bad mood. Adam's uncle and aunt were in town for a bit so we had planned a family lake day so everyone could hang out together, but I had slept terribly the couple of nights prior and when it finally came time to get up and ready I was pretty miserable and tired. While everyone was getting ready to go I was hiding up in my room waiting for my bathing suit to dry and kind of wishing I could just go back to sleep. Eventually everyone else left for the lake but Adam and I so I came downstairs, got some food and ate while watching Kim Kardashian's wedding (ironically enough) on TV. It took a while to get me moving, but we finally finished packing up our car and headed out too. We hit Tim Horton's on the way to get dessert for everyone and a drink for me cause I think Adam thought it would make me feel better (which it did), he is pretty nice like that. When we finally got to the lake and things were pretty uneventful. We hung out with family and chatted and I relaxed on the beach and watched everyone else swim. Normally I love swimming but that day I didn't really feel up to it so I just chilled. Or I chilled until Adam asked me to come in the water with him. I put up a bit of a fight, but finally agreed to swim for a little bit. I got halfway in the water and then Adam's brother asked him to come play volley ball which he had really been looking forward so he wanted to go. Unfortunately that's when the hormones and lack of sleep decided to hit full force. I literally just sat down in the sand at the edge of the water and started sobbing uncontrollably. At this point Adam had just gone up the beach to get his stuff and when he saw me sitting he came back to see if I was ok. He was met by a very distraught me in the middle of a major pregnancy meltdown. I was crying so hard I could barely talk, but basically I told him I was just so tired that all I wanted to do was go home and nap (probably not how he had hoped this day would start off). Thankfully he loves me well enough to deeply care and knows me well enough to know how to care for me. He held me there on the beach, told me he wouldn't leave, and just let me cry for a while and when I had calmed down a bit he made me laugh by saying silly things I don't remember. Then I told him I would come watch him play volley ball and he gathered all my stuff for me and we walked to the nets together. Him and his family had a lot of fun playing and I even joined in for a bit once I had rested for a while. After volley ball we all went back to out camp out spot for dinner and had a lovely BBQ. The day was winding down and I was in a much better mood. I had just pulled out the Tim Bits when Adam pulled out some papers and stood up in front of everyone. At this point I knew something was going on and I had a guess as to what it was, but it wasn't until he started reading the poem that I knew for sure. He had written it for me and about me. He addressed it to "The Fibstress" (a nickname he had given me long ago when he would know something was wrong and ask me if I was ok and I would always say I yes even if I wasn't). He wrote about my sweatpants that I always used to wear with names of different countries on the bum and about our first date and how he had fallen in love with me. He told me later that he made sure not to say anything about the baby because, even though we love our little one dearly and their life has made our love for each other stronger than ever, he wanted me to know that he wanted to marry me for me, because he loves me and wants to spend his life with me regardless of whether or not we have a baby. Then, as he read the last couple of stanzas, he got down on one knee, pulled a box out of his pocket (with some difficulty) and asked me to marry him. We were both shaking and before I even saw the ring I was down on my knees in the sand with him saying yes as we hugged there. When I finally drew away he put a ring on my finger. At first I was confused but then I realized that he had taken a ring of mine that I had given him long ago and attached a butterfly from a necklace that I had also left with him. Both items were full of promises and love. After that we had a major hug fest with all the family and then headed home. I must say that the day ended very differently than I had expected and very happily so. The next day Adam and I went shopping to buy rings for both of us because even though the one he gave me was wonderful it was also somewhat delicate and I wanted to have a symbol of our promise that I could wear all the time with pride knowing that I have committed my life to such a wonderful man. This year has held a lot for us, a lot of growing and learning. A lot of heartbreak and even more happiness. I am so thankful that Adam was placed in my life and that I now get the honour and privilege of marrying my best friend and a man who knows my heart so well and loves me so much. 

Actual proposal caught on camera by Adam's sister Bri! :)

The top is the ring Adam made me and the bottom is the ring I now wear :)

Adam's Ring :)

Reasons in no particular order

11 Reasons Why I Wish I Could Be Pregnant Forever

1. The ever present anticipation and excitement of new life is incredible and beautiful!
2. I enjoy getting random smiles from strangers and having a built in conversational ice breaker with just about anyone!
3. Having people think I am adorable even when I wear a two piece bathing suit and make absolutely no effort to suck in my tummy is lovely!
4. Feeling my little one roll, kick, squirm and grow inside of me is one of the most indescribable and amazing sensations in the world!
5. Maternity clothes are way more comfy than regular clothes!
6. I love the bonding time with Adam as he interacts with the baby.
7. Having a little person I love so much inside my body makes me want to make better healthier choices for the both of us.
8. I am learning SO MUCH cool stuff. I mean, this whole process is kind of ridiculously cool!
9. I can take my baby out with me with little to no preparation, I don't have to worry that they will get fussy and I definitely won't lose them at the mall!
10. I have these few months to dream, hope and pray for this baby without any limitation. Everything is new and possible.
11. Being entrusted with the task of carrying life is an honour that I try to never take for granted. 

11 Reasons Why I am thankful I Won't Be

1. Looking at a glass of water and having to judge how much I can drink based on the estimated time it will turn into the crushing need to pee and the location of the nearest bathroom is annoying to say the least.
2.  It will be nice to actually have to climb a mountain to reach the state of out of breathness that currently only requires a trip up the stairs.
3. My chest region has long since past the point of pleasantly voluptuous and is now simply large and incredibly inconvenient. (Yes I realize this will stick around for breast feeding too, but its kind of the same package)
4. The sudden hormone surges that make me feel like I need to check myself into a mental clinic can be anywhere from awkward to downright frightening.  
5. I miss being able to sleep. (Again, I know this won't change after the baby, but at least then I will be getting up for a reason rather than just lying in bed wishing I could sleep, but being too restless to actually do so.)
6. Getting out of bed, shaving my legs, putting on my pants, all things that are getting increasingly difficult.
7. Having to think about everything I ingest in terms of how it will affect the baby is tiresome. I look forward to being able to drink coffee, eat a tuna sandwich, and have my eggs with a soft yolk again!
8. While this time of rest has been a wonderful blessing and I know I will look back on it at times and wish I could be here again, I also get really bored and can't wait to have this little one out so I have something to put my time and energy into!
9. Constipation... Need I say more?
10. I have a lot of baby stuff and nothing to do with it :p
11. I've said this before, but right now it feels as though my baby and I are in a strange paradoxical relationship where they are the closest they will ever be to me and yet, at the same time they are the most out of reach. I want to see them, interact with them, and really get to know them!

A Tid Bit of Life

Ok its time for an actual update on how things are going in my little corner of the world. The past couple of weeks have held their fair share of triumphs and disappoints for our little family. After what must be almost a year we finally got our car on the road. The poor girl had been having trouble passing Aircare and since we couldn't insure her without it she was out of commission for quite some time. Thankfully though, we finally found a place that did what needed be done and now she is up and running! Yay for not having to bring your newborn home on the bus! Speaking of homes, however, there is where we have had less success. Adam and I (mostly I as he lives in Maple ridge during the week) have been living with Adam's mom, Holly, since May. I have to say first off that this has been a huge blessing and has made things a lot easier than they might have been. We are both so thankful that she was willing and able to give us a transition place where we could relax a bit and get things together while we planned for our little one's arrival. Recently though we have been looking for our own place again as we wanted to be all set up and settled before Bean gets here at the end of September and this is where things haven't been going so great. I literally check craigslist and various other classifieds every couple of hours and contact anything that looks remotely possible as soon as it comes up, but so far its all been for naught. We had a disappointment last week when a place that we really loved and that seemed pretty sure to turn out ended up turning us down. It was hard not to become disheartened, but now I am on the hunt again and praying that the reason we didn't get that place was because there is something better for us. Still, as each day passes and nothing seems to come up I have to fight of the frustration and anxiety that comes with not being able to "nest" properly. 
In other more baby specific news our little one seems to be doing wonderfully! All of our doctors appointments have gone swimmingly, I feel pretty great most of the time, and baby is getting so strong that I sometimes worry they will bust right out of there! Ever since the day we found out that we were expecting I have loved this baby deeply, but it seems that now that I am in my third trimester (ya, did I mention that before? Final stretch!) and I can feel them so clearly, now that I can tell where little feet are and see them wiggling around my anticipation for their arrival and my love for them has exploded again! Even though I can't see, hold, touch, or hear them yet, I finally feel as though I am getting to know them for the individual little life that they are. It boggles my mind at times to think that there is a whole life waiting to be lived inside of my body. There is a person who will have their own unique goals, dreams, desires, fears and struggles and they are spending their first months on earth tucked away inside of me. I am home to a being that has never existed before and never will  again! How crazy is that!? I guess that's why they call it the miracle of life, because its miraculous in every way.
As for me. Well, I am getting my fair share of stretch marks, heat exhaustion and general baby growing pains, but nothing I can't handle and definitely nothing that isn't utterly worth it. Pregnancy isn't easy, but I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. Its times like these that I am so thankful God made me a woman! 


And now of course, some pictures!

Completed and in progress home made receiving
blankets made from Adam's baby sheets :)

29 Weeks + 3 Days

A rose Adam grew for Bean. We dried it :)

I love my little baby <3

I Don't Wanna..

WARNING: This post may be offensive to some.

I do not want to give birth in a hospital. I do not want the lights. I do not want the doctors and nurses. I do not want the strange surroundings. And I most definitely do not want a bunch of strangers trying to tell me that I need to be pumped full of all kinds of things in order to have a baby. Now stop, take a breath, relax and stop planning all the comments you might be wanting to make about how naive I am and how I should be so thankful for the fact that I have access to the healthcare I do. I am thankful. I often think about how grateful I am to live in a country where I know that I will have care I need if I get sick. I sometimes wonder how people manage without the care we have and I have a deep respect for doctors and what they do for us. But here's the kicker, giving birth is not an illness. It is not a disease and often times it is not even an emergency. Yes I know that sometimes things change or don't go the right way. I myself am a C-section baby and I am so glad the surgeon was able to get me and my siblings out because we wouldn't have made it out if it weren't for them. HOWEVER, my birth was an anomaly. Why then is the percentage of babies born by c-section in the range of 30% in Canada now? Why is it continuing to climb? I don't claim to be an expert on these things but something about that seems wrong to me. A process that was once a natural part of a woman's life has been transformed into an experience that is feared from a young age. You see it everywhere. Movies, TV, even stories shared by woman. Its the typical scene, a woman's water breaks and suddenly she is rushed to the hospital put in a wheel chair and the next thing you see is her lying on her back screaming while countless medical professionals run in  yelling instructions and telling her to push while her legs are strapped up in stirrups. Eventually a when the baby does finally make its way out its umbilical cord is cut before has the chance to adjust and it is whisked away to be examined. Now lets just take a second here and think about any other natural bodily process from sex to going to the bathroom. Lets just say for example that you really have to go #2 (please forgive the crassness, but I am making a point. You don't have to read it if it offends.). So say you really have to go to the bathroom and you head to the toilet and all the sudden there are a bunch of people standing around you saying "poooop!!! come on you can do it!!! Just one more and it will be out!". I don't know about you, but I would be done for. Heck I can't even pee in a public washroom if I think a stranger is in earshot! So you are sitting there, trying to perform for all these people and the more you try the more tired you get and you start to feel discouraged and so they tell you that something isn't going right and that they need to intervene. You start to feel like its your fault for not being good at pooping when its something you should be able to do so you get even more stressed and eventually you are so tired and so disheartened that when a doctor tells you that they are going to have to cut the poop out you agree because you don't feel like there is any other way. Well no freaking kidding. While I KNOW that birth and taking a poo are hardly comparable in their magnitude they are both personal experiences that open you up to being vulnerable and generally are more easily accomplished without major stessors. Again sex, like birth, is something that usually takes a degree of calm and peace to be enjoyed and completed. Too much pressure can really set things back, especially for women. You read about it, they talk about it on talk shows and some of you have probably experienced that for the most part woman (and men) get more pleasure from sex when they are in a relaxed state of mind and able to focus on the task at hand. So why then is birth treated so differently? Because its more messy? It happens less often? Perhaps. Perhaps it is the realm of unknown that seems frightening (I mean, especially for first timers, its not like labour is something you really get to practice), but maybe it doesn't have to be so bad. What if more woman had this experience, even if they are in a hospital, what if more woman took control and just did what their body told them instead of being pressured and pushed to perform? What if they were given a safe, quiet environment? What if they were given the choice of having those only they feel safest with nearest them unless absolutely necessary? What if they were encouraged to relax and do what felt right for their bodies even if that meant dancing, squatting, being in water or something else? I know for me when I feel lower back pain sometimes just relaxing and swaying my hips, squatting a bit or taking a bath relieves it. So what about the same idea for birth? See, I am not even talking about extreme things here like being in a field or having incense and chanting. All I am saying is that maybe this fear of birth and this image we have has actually made it a lot scarier and a lot more difficult than it needs to be. Maybe the reason SO many births turn into emergencies is because instead of allowing ourselves to gently and knowingly respond to what out body is telling us it needs we are letting someone who cannot be inside our heads decide what is the best thing for us to make us most comfortable. We are being asked to preform one of our most personal life experiences for an audience that is not only unfamiliar, but even frightening. To me that seems like a recipe for disaster. 

 Now some comics I found. These are for those of us that are of the visual persuasion :p

Finally!

Well, I know its been a while since I wrote last and there is no good excuse. I am just a lazy bum that hasn't put in the effort. True, I haven't been feeling very inspired, but I know that its more a matter of just bucking up and getting it done. SO now I am doing it! Here is an update on a bit of what has been going down with me and my little family lately.

We recently acquired a our first substantial baby item, a car seat, which is a wonderful blessing from a wonderful friend! We are so thankful for it! Up until now all we have had is a small box of baby clothes due to Adam having the veto power on everything I want to buy. This is a good thing as I have a tendency to want to go overboard and way over prepare so I am thankful for his wisdom despite the fact that it has prevented me from purchasing a multitude of adorable yet unnecessary baby paraphernalia. Anyway, now that we finally have the vessel in which we will bring our little bundle of joy home everything seems so much more real. When I see baby clothes laying about I think in my mind I still associate dolls. I know in my head they are not doll clothes and that they are actually for my real live baby, but it doesn't hit home like a car seat. I lay in my bed at night and see it sitting there on the shelf in all its heavy duty, made for real baby glory and I can't help but get a little freaked out! Its like layers are slowly being peeled off my brain so I can get used to the fact that in a little over three months I am going to be a mom.. Whoa.. Typing that out took another layer I think. So now my brain is in full baby prepping gear. I like to say that now that I have a "viable fetus" it could be here any time so we need to be ready. This is another symptom of my need to over prepare so once again I am having to allow Adam to gently reel me in and explain to me why we don't need to buy every box of diapers on sale right away. 

Other than my constant revelations not much has happened on the baby front. We are very thankful that our little bean is growing so well and every day they get stronger which is wonderful. I love feeling the nightly river dances and tap routines they are practicing and I am gearing up for an active little one! Adam and I are looking for a place of our own to bring bean home to, but finding suites sucks! Sometimes it feels as though I boarded a train without knowing the destination or how long the trip would be and now I have no option of getting off. Some people might not like that, but my adventuresome spirit is loving it. I find an odd sense of security in being pretty much out of control. 
Well, that is all I will say for now. I have some ideas for future posts with thoughts I have been wanting to share, but they will likely be longish so I won't start now!

Instead I will share some random and not so exciting pictures! :p

This is our lovely new car seat!

Adam's first Father's Day gift! Boy or girl this child will wear batman :)

And, after many many many tries...

A semi decent tummy shot :p 25 weeks + 3 days

The Incredible Hulk

So, Baby's newest nickname is Hulk. Yes Hulk, as in Bruce Banner's giant, green, ridiculously strong alter ego. This may seem like an odd choice for a tiny unborn infant, but as each day passes it seems more and more fitting. I swear this child is going to come bursting forth from the womb prepared to arm wrestle or bench press anyone who tries to stand in their way. Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but in all seriousness I think something weird is going on in there. At 21 weeks the wee one already kicks hard enough that they can push my arm and kick Adam in the head if he rests it on my lap. From what I have been reading that is not normal. How do I feel about this? I love it! There is nothing more comforting than feeling our baby go about their business throughout the day (even if it does involve doing push ups on my bladder). Every bump kick and wiggle gives me butterflies. Being able to share these things with Adam has also been wonderful. I love that he is now able to experience this little life moving around too. Besides these new joys though I have to say that the last couple of weeks have been  some of the toughest so far what with hormones going completely wild. I have been battling irrational fears, nightmares and just plain insanity and it hasn't been easy. When people talk about "pregnancy brain" it seems to be taken lightly quite often when the reality is that it can be very scary and stressful. There were definitely a couple of days where I just wanted to pack a bag and run and keep on running until I escaped the crazy, but thankfully I didn't. The past few days have been much better though. In the end all it really took to combat my out of control emotions was some quality time spent with Adam, reading a blog by a woman who felt equally as crazy as I did and a good hard look at my life. It didn't take long for me to come back to a place of being content and just so thankful for my friends, family, wonderful man and healthy, STRONG babe. So now, once again I am just soaking up every moment of this experience that I know will pass in the blink of an eye. 

21 weeks + 3 days :)

Our temporary photo wall! I will make them more straight when we have our more permanent place!

Adam's first contribution to our baby's wardrobe :)

Say Hello to Baby

I was going to write a big long post, but I just can't wait. Today we had our first ultrasound and I don't even know what to say. We got to watch our little one suck its tiny thumb and kick its tiny legs. We got to see their little face and it was beyond incredible. Adam was so excited that he couldn't stop asking questions and the technician couldn't help but get excited with us as she showed us each part one by one. I felt as though we bonded with her. It was like she introduced us to our little one that up until today we had only known as a heartbeat and for me the occasional wiggle in my tummy. While I laid there holding Adam's hand and watching our baby happily squirm about it felt as though nothing in the world could ever be wrong ever again. I know that's silly, but I decided to just go with it and bask in the glow our growing baby. So now we want to share that with our loved ones too. So meet baby :)

I am already madly in love with this little one!! Look at those legs!! <3

Going in for a thumb suck :)

Adam said baby was kissing me from the inside :)

We are so thankful to God for forming this little one so well. A baby is a blessing no matter what, but a healthy, happy little one is an incredible gift! Thank you to all of you for your prayers so far! 

19 Weeks and Counting

Well, just when I thought my birthday was over, BAM! Adam surprised me with a trip to the zoo to make up for the fact that he couldn't be there on my actual birthday (not that he needed to, he was working hard for us instead!). He woke me up yesterday (Saturday) morning and told me that we had to drive Ben (his younger brother) to his hockey coach's house. I hurried and got ready and we headed out. I thought he might be up to something as he often is, but he and Ben were so convincing that by the time we got on the highway I mostly just felt bad that we were running late for the coach. It wasn't until we pulled up to the zoo that I knew what was going on. Turns out that he had planned the whole thing and his family was waiting when we got there. We had a really fantastic day in spite of a bout of chilly rain at the beginning and made it to pretty much every animal show! So now, between the zoo and the aquarium, I have seen my fair share of birthday animals. My favourite! :)

Now for how this relates to baby, not that everything needs to, but there are a few funny baby related things that happened throughout day. The first was this; even though I have transitioned nicely into a fairly morning sickness free second trimester I still find that if I get out of bed to quickly and shower without taking time to eat first it takes a toll on my tummy. So even though Adam's haste in the morning was with good intention I ended up feeling a bit woozy. Once we were driving it didn't take too long for the wooziness to turn into full out sickness and then finally into me just hurling into an old garbage bag and on my lap. Now this was the point that I was still worried about being late for the coach so we just kept trucking. Adam pulled over at a McDonald's so I could clean up, but it still looked like I had wet myself. How do you tell people 'oh no, I didn't pee my pants, I just puked all over myself, thats all!'? Its not much better is it? So, when we finally arrived at the zoo I wasn't feeling the most party friendly. But, like I said before, we ended up having a great day regardless! I also found out that baby either loves or hates train rides. I am not sure yet as their reactions to everything are pretty much the same, but they definitely went on some kind of kung fu spree when we got on the train and didn't stop until we got off again. Its moments like that that make barfing all over yourself totally worth it as long as the little one is still kicking around :) 

And now for some pictures!!

Freaky bird giving me the evil eye.

Awesome bird man at the Raptor show with his owl Hagrid!

On the train!

The lion "snack" time. 

How beautiful is that???

From the second raptor show we attended. This bird almost hit me in the head!

Adam said this guy liked me cause he recognized his own kind... 

A real live hungry hungry hippo!!

Our zoo masks!  Whahooooo!!

18 weeks 6 days :)

21 and 18 Weeks

If someone had tried to tell me a year ago where I would be today I probably would have laughed in their face. If they had told me that this year that one of my favourite birthday gifts would be a new pair of maternity shorts I would have thought them jesting. On my last birthday I walked the streets of Paris with no idea of what my future held. I never could have anticipated that such a short time later so much would have changed. I would have never guessed that I would have moved so much, that a job would have come and (thankfully) gone or that Adam and I would be starting our own family so soon. Yet, as life would have it, here I am. I feel as though I could write about the many profound things I have learned or about how I experienced so much personal growth, but all I keep coming back to is people. I am just so thankful for people. This year has marked the coming, going and reintroduction of so many people in my life and it has been both a painful and beautiful journey. When times get hard, when life doesn't go as planned, when you literally have nothing to offer but yourself, that is when you find those people that truly care about you. This is what I have been reflecting on lately. Now it is I that have nothing. I cannot repay people for their kindness, I cannot offer much of anything at all except myself and still so many have risen. So many have rushed to my side giving unconditional love, support, prayers, and kindness. At times I have been taken aback by the sudden generosity or encouragement I have received from people I hardly know or don't know at all. Then there are the people close to me who have, despite knowing I can give them nothing, offered up their time, resources and compassion in such a selfless way. I have always been someone who sees everything in terms of debt. If you do a favour for me I owe one to you, if you buy me lunch I better buy yours the next time, etc. I think God has been trying to show me that this is not the way to live. He has given me, through the people in my life, a debt greater than I could ever repay. It has been a hard lesson, I have had to humble myself in ways that are new to me and accept help that I wish I didn't need, but it has also taught me so much about the meaning of fellowship and how important it is to live in community rather than in independence. I could never give back to each and every one as much as they have given to me. All I can do is remember this time and when the time comes that I am needed or that I have something to offer that I give it as freely as people have given to me. That I give never for the sake of return, but only because I love. Now this post has ended up very differently than I had thought it would, but I suppose in light of my recent birthday my heart has been filled beyond the point of bursting with gratitude. I had a wonderful birthday this year and it was completely because of amazing friends and family. I am so blessed stepping into this new year of my life and I wait with bated breath to see what it could possibly hold.

Birthday shopping and fake baby bump! Thank you so much for my new shorts Jaclyn!! :)